Notes On the Muskrat

(1) The beautiful songs of the Chinese muskrat are longer and more complex than those of the humpbacked whale.

(2) Because of its tendency to destroy dams and dykes, the muskrat is the natural enemy of the beaver.

(3) In some cultures, the muskrat is known as the ‘lucky water rat’ and placed in the same crib as a newborn infant. It is hoped the muskrat will sing to it, which it often does.

(4) The muskrat is the only creature, other than man, known to use aposiopesis in communication.

(5) In warm weather, the muskrat is known to wet it’s head repeatedly, or don a crude hat made of leaves. Contrary to popular belief, not all muskrat hats are the same size.

(6) The muskrat has beautiful brown eyes.

(7) If it could, the muskrat would lie around all day and do nothing.

(8) The dreams of the ring tailed muskrat are often disturbing.

(9) Muskrats adore the smell of coffee, but should not be given any.

(10) The muskrat is the only creature, other than man and higher primates, to have in-laws.

(11) The muskrat is fond of the sound of the banjo, but otherwise unmoved by Americana.

(12) The Muskrat is friends with the otter, They often play together in the water.

(13) The otter is also friends with the beaver. This puts the otter in a somewhat awkward position.



NUMBER 44, WEEK 32, WORD COUNT TO DATE: 36,625
NEXT BY 1 FEBRUARY 2006

The Black Arts, An Introduction:

An Unmemorable Fancy

I was asked by the editors of Fiat Lux to write a cursory introduction entitled “The Black Arts.” I had never heard of Fiat Lux before, but at the time, this did not concern me.

9. The Hermit

I began to prepare as I do for all my articles, by ritually cleansing myself in the Roman fashion with olive oil and by jumping in my neighbor’s hot tub. I then did forty-two push-ups, put on a new shirt, opened a new ream of paper, put a new ribbon in my musical typewriter and licked my writing toad. No sooner had I sat down to my desk then there was the sound of a million champagne corks popping and the theme from NPR and a sudden icy rush and the ceiling to my chamber vanished, ripped clean off. I could not see in one eye, but it seemed that a swarm of birds that should not be flying fell onto me with blows and I cried out, only to find an answering hand in the firm grip of my old friend, Mon Raban. He was covered in soot and what looked like vacuum lint. Upon closer inspection, the soot appeared to be cheap greasepaint. “Master,” I exclaimed “you are dead.” “You are deluded,” he replied, “these are your imaginings.” With that, he plunged the tip of the quill into his heart and then pressed it into my hand. Together, we began to write.

The next morning, I awoke, somewhat discomforted, with an empty dry cleaning bag, though I was far from my home and my dry cleaners. I carried the hanger, the ticket and the bag home with me. At my desk, I found the first part of my article had been completed. It was not very good. It was vague at the points where it should be most clear and dull at its points of natural interest, becoming downright obscure and sullen at turns, with confused paragraphs that ended abruptly and even contradicted their own topic sentence. This is absolute rubbish, I said and I treated myself to a Lillet.

15. The Devil

Gifted as I am with unusual powers of concentration and productivity, I had rested no longer than three days before I immediately returned to to the article. I had gotten no further than searching the thesaurus for synonyms for “syzygy” when the phone rang. On the other end was a most curious and corporate voice, small, squeaky and raspy as though composed out of a myriad of tiny tongues. It asked:

H e LLO (h e l l o) w e h a v e g o o d n e w s w o u l d y o u l i k e t o l o w e r ( l o w e r) y o u r m o r t g a g e p a y m e n t f o r e v e r (E V E R)?

As I happily owned my good estate ever since the Old Man with that annoying eye of his never returned from the country, this message did not apply to me, and yet my polite interpolation went as though unheard:

w e a r e a u t ho r i z e d t o o f f e r y o u t he o p p or t u n i t y t o r e f i n a n c e y o u r h o m e b e f o r e i n t e re s t s r a t e s r i s e (R I S E) d o n t m i s s o u t o n t h is g o l d e n (G O L D E N) o p p or t u n i t y j us t l i s ten:

o n a m o o n l e s s n i g h t , t hr e e d a y s he n c e, r u b y o u r s elf a l l o v e r w i t h t h i s s al v e t h a t w e s h al l pr o v i d e a n d m o u n t a s t i c k or b r o o m (no lo n g e r t ha n t six f e et or t w o me t e r s) a n d yo u s ha l l b e t r a n s p o r t e d to the s a b b a t w h e r e y o u w i ll d a n c e d a n c e d a n c e a n d n e v e r h a v e t o p a y h i g h i n t e r e s t r a t e s f o r a s l o n g a s y o u o w n y o u r h o m e

-y o u w i l l a l s o f e a s t o n b a b i e s a n d b e m o u n t e d b y t h e g r e a t g o a t

interjected another, even squeakier voice, enthusiastically. I had heard such offers before. I moved to hang up the phone.

w a i t

the first voice returned

w o u l d y o u b e i n t e r e s t e d i n t a k i n g a s h o r t s u r v e y t h at w i l l q u a l i f y yo u t o w i n a f r e e c r u i s e f o r L a m m a s, L a m m a s i n t h e B a ha m a s o r w a i t w a i t

I did not have time for this, so I completed the motion and hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again:

H e LLO (h e l l o) W e a r e l o o k in g f or y o u r s u p p o r t f o t y o u r lo c a l s t a t e t r o op e r s e a c h y e a r n u m e r o us s t a t e t r o op e r s d i e in t h e l i n e o f d u t y o r i n a c t s o f s in


Again, this was no concern of mine, but I had no sooner foreclosed on that conversation when the phone rang once more, this time

t o no t i f y y o u t h at t h e re i s a re g i s t e re d s e x o f f e n d e r m o v i n g i n t o yo u r n e i g h b or h o o d a s e x o f f e n d e r re i s a re g i s t e re d w i t h t he s t at e an d w e a r e i n f o r m i n g you a n d t h e y a re m o v i n g i n t o yo u r n e i g h b or h o o d and w o u l d y o u l i k e t o m e e t t h e m?

I was now convinced that it was time to unplug the phones, which I promptly did. To my very small surprise, it rang anyway:

h e l l o y o u h a v e w o n a f r e e s u b s c r i p t i o n to t i me

This I actually was interested in, as Time was the oldest of the periodicals, leader of the Titans, castrator of his father Uranus, the sky god, and brother to Life. So I habilled myself as the voices suggested and hiked out to the woods.

When I returned with my complimentary free gift “Time Laughs at Life” I discovered my desk in some disarray, littered with several half finished beers and hand rolled butts, and spotted all over with the mottlings of little foot prints. Someone had also taken the liberty of making a sandwich. Several of the typewriter keys were jammed and it appeared that the ribbon had been ripped and then tied back together. In the roller, badly wrinkled and marked over, and clearly misaligned each of the several times it had been taken out and reinserted into the machine, was the second part of the article. Numerous misspellings and typographic innovations aside, it was clearly of a whole different water than the first. It was worse. It was full of pained constructions and sentiments so equivocal and balanced as to be wholly vacuous. It had unmistakably been written by committee.