THE LAST DAYS OF VAN ON EARTH: 1. The Wrap: Section A

“Show me the Roman Breast Plate”
It must be cruel. It must be magnificent.
“Are those real leather straps?” I must have real leather straps. They must be tight.
“This is heavy. I am not sure it is heavy enough. Bring me some metal plates, sandbags on ropes.”
“I’m not sure we have any.”
“You’re a full service professional costumer. You have them. Go get them.”
“Van, I’m not sure the Romans would have used leather there.”
“It must be heavy! It must be tight. It’s my wrap party, Tom. I must show them. Show them all what we have done. Oil that statue.”
In the end I am too heavy. I cannot move. Yes, I say, let me be carried. Let me be carried like one of the old gods. The features of animals and men came together in the old gods. The features of animals and men came together in the old gods. In the end, I have to take off the sandbags because the guy who own the stretch limo complains. “God-damn you, man, don’t you have orgies with like thirty people in this thing?” “A lot of those people don’t weigh very much.”

1. The Wrap: Section B

“Thank you, thank you for coming. What a beautiful baby. May I sign it?”
“We’re very excited, we cannot wait to see a rough cut.”
“I don’t even know what those words mean, but thank you, have a chocolate. Some one flew them in, or got them off a plane, or came here off a plane with some. Have one. Better yet, give it to one of the twins.”
“Your picture is magnificent. I feel I am standing in the presence of the next Woody Allen.”
“I would beat you if I had free hand. Wait, let go, darling. Wait, my hands are still full of -what is this -well, this is Kirsch and I guess this is a Calvados. I’m ahead of myself. There, I’ve sacrificed a whole drink to upbraid you. I’ll do so again next year. Now go. You’re making my boa angry.”

“Van, did you just throw whisky on Mrs. Morton?”
“Calvados, Tom, it’s made with apples.”
“Mrs. Morton is pretty big in this town. She gave us a lot of money.”
“She did Tom, she did. She likes it when you throw a good expensive drink on her. It’s like christening a ship.”
“Are you drunk? Wait, that’s the wrong question. How drunk are you? No, still wrong. How many fingers is Santa Claus holding up?”
“Tom, I swear to you -on Hitler’s grave. I am not drunk.”
“And where are your pants?”
“That’s not a drunk thing, Tom, that’s a drug thing. You see this midnight blue and this black jacket and this oilskin don’t really match. Well, you can’t really see it because I took it off. Hey, where’s Mrs. Morton? I’ve still got another drink. I should give her both barrels, don’t you think?”
“Van, don’t pour any more drinks on Mrs. Morton -and I mean call brands or well -or even a soda or non-alcoholic beer.”
“Do we have those? Look Tom, she loves it. Between you and me I think she wants me to pee on her.”
“Where are the twins? I thought they were taking care of you.”
“I mean, she hasn’t said as much, but I’m just gonna do it.”
“No, Van, even Jackson Pollock only got as far as the fireplace.”
“What about Chuck Berry? Where are we going?”
“We’re going over to the espresso wagon”
“I’m so glad we got the espresso wagon. It can move around and serve espresso.”
“Van, you still have to give a speech”
“I gave a speech already.”
“You asked if anyone wanted to watch you take a shower.”
“That was my speech.”
“No, Van the other speech”

1. The Wrap: Section C: My Other Speech

“I would like to especially thank my ski instructor. I do not think that this film could have been completed without skiing and I appreciate that. Also, if this is not the wrong moment, I’d like to share a special little moment -because Hollywood is small town -and let you on on a little secret that my ski instructor and riding trainer are seeing each other. Yes -what? Oh. I guess this is the wrong moment. Stan’s married? To like a woman? Jesus Christ. Well shame on you, Stan. Well, fuck you, I’m not cheating on my wife. Yeah, right. Why don’t you just come down here and show us how straight you are mano e mano. You know what I’m talking about.”

“This film is about the Earth. All of it. Not just the parts we usually like to talk about, but also the vents and the crevasses, the cirques and the sheaves. We wanted to make a film that everyone could enjoy, but especially people who have never lived or seen the Earth. Our picture is a celebration of the Earth and that is why there are so many shots of it. If we could the Earth would be here, making this introduction and that really sounds like not such a bad idea. This is a film for and by Earth people, made with things from -the Earth. We respect the Earth in our movie, we love and honor it. We are especially sorry about the various species that became extinct during the filming of our movie, not the least of which that one species we ourselves exterminated. But this film is an eternal testament to them, because we filmed it. Also, the biosphere, in general, looks damaged. We wanted to call attention to the hole in the ozone. The hole in the ozone didn’t look big enough. We made it a little bigger. True, we could have just faked it with computers and stuff, but computers are expensive and we were driving anyway. But everyone does that, everyone does that every goddamn day.”

“I mean today, there are wars and stuff and I’m sure that all of you are shocked and horrified at that thing that happened. I mean that’s just wrong, right? And sure I made mistakes. I failed to inform the right people, or I told them what I thought was the truth but was merely a sort of placeholder for facts I did not have in my possession. Money was spent. Meals were eaten. But I did things I had never done before and can I tell you how that must feel? One way of looking at all this is I was in a restaurant and someone was asking me, Van, must there be ants?
Yes, dammit, there have to be ants, there have to be ants because when you’ve buried someone up to their neck in the desert and smeared honey on their face, the rabbits don’t come and lick it off. Goddammit, there have to be ants! There are things that rats and cockroaches won’t even bother with -they’re not detail oriented -and whose gonna take care of all the dead rats and cockroaches and there are a lot of those. There have to be fucking ants everywhere! Under your fucking skin if possible! Eating your baby’s eyelids! If not the grasshoppers win! The ants are the only ones doing any fucking work!”

“So finally, in conclusion tonight, what I really want to say is that: I love you. Not all of you, though you are all lovely in your way, but YOU. You. Don’t be afraid or ashamed. This is what movies are all about. This is what making this movie taught me, that you and I are meant to be together and if that’s shocking -well, that’s just the story of our age. It’s scandalous, I know, but your mother, Mrs. Morton talks about you all the time and we know you’ve got a beautiful bright future ahead of you. And what, you’ve got this boyfriend in the ROTC or whatever, but Jesus Christ has he ever made a movie? A fucking movie? Or, what is he some sort of scientist, has he made a disease, or a pill or an artificial heart that plays “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Because I have. People are asking me what this movie is about and the truth is, its about love, its about you. We kissed, don’t be ashamed, why is this microphone

1. The Wrap: Section D

Dear Mrs. Morton,

I am so glad you could make it out to our little wrap party. How about those delicious chocolates! Yum! I am so glad you like traditional Mongolian Fare historically recreated. I saw that you danced a bit -earlier, and seemed to be having a good time. I would love to hear more of your poems and see more of your watercolors in the quiet shade of your lovely home. You’re right, I’ve always been a very different person depending on the company I keep, but I appreciate your fine tolerance for the artistic temperament. You and your old husband Luis are some of the coolest old rich people we know. I certainly meant all the things I said in my previous letter and most abjectly. I am so glad we met at Gelson’s.

Yours sincerely,

Van Choojitarom

First Look: THE MASTER OF SEX

EMB productions is proud to present a first look at it’s latest production, THE MASTER OF SEX, a film that has been best described as “like Batman, only about sex”. The Master of Sex is a gentle master; his nemesis is The Ruthless Fuck Machine. In this scene, we see a flashback into the Ruthless Fuck Machine’s past:

What’s that son?
Nothing, Dad
No, no you said something back there. Now turn to me an say it man to man
Nice tits
You’re talking about that woman back there
Yes
The one with the nice tits
Yes
But you didn’t say it to her, or even to me.
No
You said it to yourself
Yes
To nobody
Yes
Because you’re a coward
Yes.
Son, turn and look at me: don’t be a coward. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind or tell it like it is. That woman back there, the one with the nice tits, maybe she doesn’t know that boys like her tits. Maybe she will never know unless someone stands up and says something. Next time you see something like that, like a nice rack, or an ass or a crime being committed -it’s your duty -your duty and no one else’s -to stand up and say something, to lay in on that horn and say something, anything even if it’s just “Nice Tits” or “Nice Tits, Baby” or “Show us your tits” and then “Whoo-hoo”. Son, we’re here for a reason. We’re here to break the code of silence, that’s our job and don’t you forget it.”
Nice Ass!
That’s my boy.

“It’s not enough to grow a pair. It’s not even enough just to wrap them in brass. Sometimes you’ve got to cover them in iron, sometimes steel, sometimes lead. And you’ve got to be ready to whip them out at any time and put them on the line and get them blown right off. And if you have balls and you want to keep them, you’ve got to take them out every once in a while and keep ‘em sharp, keep ‘em shiny by taking them out and rubbing them in someone else’s face”

The Greatest Contemporary Short Story Ever Told

"Am I a good listener?"
"No."