Disguises

for L. McE

1.

You are dressed as a Wolf-man to disguise your various crimes. On the way to that terrible place you encounter a little girl. “Awww” she says, “Lookkit the little Dog-boy.” You are not a Dog-boy you explain, but a Wolf-Man. Suddenly, the little girl looks severe and quite serious and asks: “What’s the difference? Is there a necessary and sufficient criteria to discriminate between the two? Is it a descriptive or substantive difference? A functional difference? What would count in either case?” You are perplexed. There seems to be nothing you can point to that shows the difference. You sweat beneath your mask. You feel the urge to defecate. Yet you also feel strangely sexual.


2.

You go to a magic store. You tell the strange man at the counter: “I want a fake moustache.” At once, his strange theatrically waxed moustache flies off, from its perch above his lips and lands on yours. Though it is waxed and looks well groomed, it is his natural grown facial hair: it even smells a little of soup. “Hey,” you object “I wanted a fake moustache! This one is real!” “It is real for me,” replies the shopkeep “but fake for you.” “But this is yours!” you reply “I want my own!” “You want a fake,” he replies “how can something fake be your own?”


3.

Things have gone badly so you are at the library looking for a copy of How to File Your Own Bankruptcy. This embarrasses you, so you check out several other books to conceal your shame. They are: Overcoming Impotence, Beat the GED, Peverted Underage Sex Tourism for Dummies, Did Six Million Really Die?, The Ann Coulter Reader and Atlas Shrugged. You are still self-conscious when you check-out so you say to the librarian at the desk: “Holy Shit! I’m fat and illiterate, too!”


4.

You are writing a letter. In your letter you wish to communicate a terrible desire that must not be named. So you fill our letter out with a number of examples, and distribute your idea among them. In this way, it is hoped your desire will come out. You know that somewhere, in another city you lived in long ago, a woman is wearing your face. You will send her money. More than that, you will send her your clothes and books and music. You will give her your stains and describe to her all your experiences, your dreams. You will send her the foods you eat, the pillow you sleep on. In this way, you hope, an intolerable burden might be shared, even lifted. Someone else might continue the terrible charade, leaving you free and naked, at last able to concern yourself what you truly want, now that there is no longer a question of disguise. Then, you could truly begin to live.


NUMBER 45, WEEK 33, WORD COUNT TO DATE: 37,095
NEXT BY 8 FEBRUARY 2006

Notes On the Muskrat

(1) The beautiful songs of the Chinese muskrat are longer and more complex than those of the humpbacked whale.

(2) Because of its tendency to destroy dams and dykes, the muskrat is the natural enemy of the beaver.

(3) In some cultures, the muskrat is known as the ‘lucky water rat’ and placed in the same crib as a newborn infant. It is hoped the muskrat will sing to it, which it often does.

(4) The muskrat is the only creature, other than man, known to use aposiopesis in communication.

(5) In warm weather, the muskrat is known to wet it’s head repeatedly, or don a crude hat made of leaves. Contrary to popular belief, not all muskrat hats are the same size.

(6) The muskrat has beautiful brown eyes.

(7) If it could, the muskrat would lie around all day and do nothing.

(8) The dreams of the ring tailed muskrat are often disturbing.

(9) Muskrats adore the smell of coffee, but should not be given any.

(10) The muskrat is the only creature, other than man and higher primates, to have in-laws.

(11) The muskrat is fond of the sound of the banjo, but otherwise unmoved by Americana.

(12) The Muskrat is friends with the otter, They often play together in the water.

(13) The otter is also friends with the beaver. This puts the otter in a somewhat awkward position.



NUMBER 44, WEEK 32, WORD COUNT TO DATE: 36,625
NEXT BY 1 FEBRUARY 2006

The Black Arts, An Introduction:

An Unmemorable Fancy

I was asked by the editors of Fiat Lux to write a cursory introduction entitled “The Black Arts.” I had never heard of Fiat Lux before, but at the time, this did not concern me.

9. The Hermit

I began to prepare as I do for all my articles, by ritually cleansing myself in the Roman fashion with olive oil and by jumping in my neighbor’s hot tub. I then did forty-two push-ups, put on a new shirt, opened a new ream of paper, put a new ribbon in my musical typewriter and licked my writing toad. No sooner had I sat down to my desk then there was the sound of a million champagne corks popping and the theme from NPR and a sudden icy rush and the ceiling to my chamber vanished, ripped clean off. I could not see in one eye, but it seemed that a swarm of birds that should not be flying fell onto me with blows and I cried out, only to find an answering hand in the firm grip of my old friend, Mon Raban. He was covered in soot and what looked like vacuum lint. Upon closer inspection, the soot appeared to be cheap greasepaint. “Master,” I exclaimed “you are dead.” “You are deluded,” he replied, “these are your imaginings.” With that, he plunged the tip of the quill into his heart and then pressed it into my hand. Together, we began to write.

The next morning, I awoke, somewhat discomforted, with an empty dry cleaning bag, though I was far from my home and my dry cleaners. I carried the hanger, the ticket and the bag home with me. At my desk, I found the first part of my article had been completed. It was not very good. It was vague at the points where it should be most clear and dull at its points of natural interest, becoming downright obscure and sullen at turns, with confused paragraphs that ended abruptly and even contradicted their own topic sentence. This is absolute rubbish, I said and I treated myself to a Lillet.