THE LAST DAYS OF VAN ON EARTH, Part III. Section A: "from a Producer/Director's Notebook"

Film making is like survival in that you must survive in order to complete your film. This is something that first-time directors often over look. In fact, to first-time directors I say: throw away all your books on directing -all of them -what -are you here to READ? No, you’re here to make a movie. Throw away all the books you have on directing and get the American Army Survival Manual. Because this is what directing is. This is what film making is. They should be able to drop you buck naked in the middle of a desert and you should be able to survive and thrive, because film making must come from inside of you. You should be able to create clothing, shelter and an initial treatment. You should be able to locate and secure available resources for food, water and locations. You will have to hunt. You will have to kill. You will have to make phone calls. Where is this phone coming from. I don’t know: this is your survival, your picture that we are talking about: maybe you’ve hauled your naked sunburned body up a telephone pole: you’ve got a connection because you’ve chewed through the wire; you’ve got a crude phone because you have made one from scrap metal, natural magnetic fillings an armadillo shell and the skin of rat and it doesn’t smell too good; you’ve got Michael Ovitz’s number because you peeked in somebody else’s cell phone and that stinks too. But you are alive and you are going to make this picture. I don’t care if you have to sit cross legged, naked with a bunch of rattlesnakes biting your wang doodle: this is your production (the rattlesnakes) get them organized.


What is the first rule of survival, that is, film making?

1. You must give up any and all desire for comfort.

The desire for physical or psychological comfort will kill you or cause you to shelve your production. It will make you passive, and passivity will destroy you. You must keep moving. You must keep making decisions, even if they are bad ones: consider “Apocalypse Now”: there was not a single “good” decision made on the entire production; yet the film was completed. It’s too bad if you are too hot, or too cold, or things are falling off -things that are important to you and part of your lifestyle. Remember what Bob Fosse would do: take those pills and take a shower, sleep with the wrong person, you hate what you’ve become and you can’t really relate to the people in your life without hurting them horribly: this is why you are making a movie. Now get out there and do it.


2. Stay hydrated. It is very important to drink stay hydrated, if possible. Dehydration leads to fatigue and poor judgement. Avoid consuming fried foods, alcoholic beverages and sand. You were up late last night drinking again, weren’t you? Just sitting on the couch drinking Old Crow watching pornos, doing “research”, weeping pathetically. Now what are you doing? No, don’t lie down, you’re the producer/director. You can lie down later. Say something. Say anything. Yes something to eat. Oh, who are we kidding? Are we going to throw up? Again. Okay, let’s do it discreetly. Yes. Have them set it up. Good. Now stop crying. No, don’t start praying. Someone will hear you. Who the hell are you calling? Are you still drunk? Oh shit, who’s there? Did you just tell them you slip the Monte Christo and coffee under the toilet stall door? What the hell are these forms? Coffee good. You’re not allowed to smoke in here, but let’s go ahead. Try and eat something. The Monte Christo will scrub some of the crap off your teeth. Yes. Call over to the set. Ask how things are going. Sound professional. Don’t ask for another vodka tonic!


Preparing the Script:

When preparing the script with your cast remind them: every character in every scene wants something from the other characters. This is the essence of drama. It also has application in real life. Particularly if you are making a movie. Each of your actors who is playing a character who in every scene wants something from the other characters, also wants something from you in every interaction that you have. This is also true of the crew. And everyone else you might meet. Usually, the thing they want is money: these people can be trusted. Human relations are often exchanges and negotiations of power and dominance, but in order to stay healthy, we must be able to ignore or forget this in our social fictions. The name for being maladaptively unable to do this is Paranoid Schizophrenia. It’s adaptive form is called producing.

To function effectively as a producer of any kind, you need to understand what is being exchanged in every meeting. For instance, Why are you talking to her? This is not productive, why are you doing this? She’s like fifteen. No, she really is fifteen, she said so. There just shopping or something, let them go. Stop talking. The other attractive girl? That’s her mom. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ASKING FOR HER PHONE NUMBER?