Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Stories I Wrote for Girls Who Never Wrote Back II: From the Royal Society for Cryptozoology

From the Royal Society for Cryptozoology

Dearest Lady,

You do not know me and indeed, should not, but I and the other humble members of the Royal Society are undertaking, in your honor, an expedition to seek and capture one of Nature’s most uncommon, singular and disputable creatures, the Emotional Albino Yeti. As your ladyship knows well, the Emotional Albino Yeti is extremely hard to track because of its many moods and has so far eluded the lens of science. Your remarkable person and generous patronage, has, however, inspired in us the greatest resolve to locate this indeterminate creature so that it might be placed in its proper taxonomic constellation, in the celestial knowledge of Natural Science. If we are successful, we would be honored to name the creature Yeti Hystericus Albus N_________ if you would so graciously bestow the title.

Our expedition is further made resolute with the knowledge that we must be swiftest if we are to take the laurel; my former associate, Dr. April H______ Weather, has come extremely close to locating what my erstwhile assistant professor calls “a manic-depressive Sasquatch” in America; unlike its more robust peers, the “bipolar man of the woods” is less prone to take flight, seek cover, or do much of anything, when confronted by man. This has given my ambitious former pupil some hitherto unprecedented close-up photos of the creature, though, because of its condition, the subject is invariably slumped over, or curled into a ball or sleeping during the day. These pictures don’t look like much, so no definitive evidence has so far been gathered. Dr. H______ Weather’s attempt to “cheer the creature up” with some specially designed cookie bouquets and mylar balloons met with failure when the subject either threw itself off a cliff or moved to Europe. I understand that April is currently pursuing the “hebephrenic skunk-ape of North Georgia” in the hopes that the creatures poor hygiene will provide ample physical evidence. Here we have a critical advantage over the good doctor, because I know with some certainty that this creature’s range has moved down to Florida.

Should this prospectus meet with your approval, we stand ready to commence our adventure. May the oblivion-faced gods of that blank and white place favor us and guide us to its most enigmatic and emotional inhabitant. With your approval, we will depart immediately and send regular reports, as possible, on the progress of our expedition. However, knowing well your own keen scientific and adventurous interests, I can, without fear of solecism, extend to you a most enthusiastic offer to join us in our scientific exploration, or to meet with our fellows and see for yourself the serviceable ship, capable crew and reasonable berthing accommodations we have secured for this campaign. Whatever it should be your pleasure to decide, I, my associates, crew and enthusiastic huskies await eagerly your response, upon the humble necessity that the very real timing of our departure necessitates a prompt reply.

Your obedient servant,

R_____ T________, D Sc, DD. FRT. SRF, Ox


My Plans For 2006, as Prefigured by the Titles of Unfinished Poems by Baudelaire