Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Technology Today in Review

New 811c Compliant Swibble from PermaSafe

The new 811c compliant Swibbles from PermaSafe are a pleasant admixture of discreet design and improved functionality in this much anticipated and mandatory product line. PermaSafe’s designs have always featured a combination of style and surveillance and the new line of 811c compliant models is no exception, featuring muted, modish smooth lines that take up very little space while providing total and complete police presence at all times in every aspect of our lives. Seriously, don't get caught without one.

Windows for Pets, Mobile Dog Edition

The first release of Windows for Pets met with a great deal of disappointment and criticism: though it did provide windows for pets and other small domesticated creatures, it did not allow the pet to move without crashing and there was no support for hamsters. Windows for Pets, Mobile Dog Edition sports several improvements, allowing many common breeds of dog to bark (3 settings), walk/run, fetch, eat, defecate (hardware required) and play dead (restart required). If it is unable to complete your command it will display improved sad doggy eyes. The included wetware bundle features several trial versions of games such as “Give Me Your Paw” and “Mailman/Late Night Barking for No Reason.” You can easily navigate spreadsheets or use Outlook Express on your dog, though it is very difficult to close pop-up browser windows without a rolled up newspaper. Not available for monads.

EXO from Montauk Park

Based entirely on alien technology, it is not clear what the EXO does or is supposed to do, but it clearly does it very well, with little or no regard for human life. Consumers can expect this model to function along similar lines as reported by early adopters of the OnoNovo Xist: it floats, it doesn’t reflect you, it emits that weird humming sound in your head and between 12 and 24 hours appear to be missing from your recall. The EXO seems to have at least three settings of eerie glowing light: eerie, foreboding and blinding with traces of ionizing radiation. Inexpensively priced for a close encounter of the third kind, it is mainly available in rural areas and Mexico. Please note: no one will believe you.


Integrates seamlessly with everything. Does whatever is imaginable, with expandablity into the inconceivable. Capable of updating directly from the distant future. Upgrades and compatible with all previous products, systems, languages, elements and unifies all known physical laws. There has been incredible hype and excitement about this product, which many believe to be the end of all technology and an absolute singularity, while others simply worship it as God. Has no rest mass.

for the iPhone

TURN #96: WEEK 82; WORDS: 93 408