Sunday, April 23, 2006

Reviews of Calvin Klein's Perfumes As Sprayed in My Eyes


Eternity

A virile abstraction of crisp greens, with vague allusions to rosewood and basil, Eternity is a perfect masculine daytime accent, particularly as its volatile base has a high blinding aspect. Mature, yet virile, sage and abstract, Eternity appeals to men who have come into their own or are just about to, giving a clear, sophisticated signature to one’s clothes -or sheets -that full in the face will leave your eyes watering for hours. Ideal for younger men who want to be sprayed in the face and barely be able to blindly negotiate their way home, or older men who take it full on and then lie down for several hours.


CK One
Useful for men secure in their heteronormativity, for blowing that illusion right out of the water. Alluring, confusing, CK-1 lives up to it’s marketing as being a curious little scent that asks, “let’s kiss again,” adding unconvincingly “just to see what it’s like.” Full of freshness and yet similar enough to Dior to remind one pleasantly of playing dress up in mom's closet, CK One is the scent you kept unopened in your bathroom cabinet, but that no one was surprised you had. Playful, but in a manic-depressive sort of way, with strong hints of other issues. More painful than blinding, but with a persistent fogging of the lens.


Obsession for Men


Obsession for Men is basically a super expensive remake of “Old Spice”, with the same lovable masculine herbal accents: but who’s not willing to pay a little more to make it less creepy? If you love the classic male and solid presence of bergamot backed up by lemon and orange and clean moss, yet do not want your date to feel they are being hit on by their dad, then Obsession for Men is a “new classic” that will suit your toilette.

Bear in mind, however, that Obsession for Men is incredibly potent and has significant staying power. A good splash to the face will not only totally compromise your sight, but your sense of smell and taste for days and days, irrespective of eye wash and lavage. Ideal for work or play, provided that two of the five senses is enough for you.


Obsession Night Man


Like a weird, unprovoked spin off of a popular TV show, Obsession Night Man has one asking “Where’s David Hasselhoff?” Obssesion Night Man is a senseless rip-off of Ferragamo for Men and Snuggle dryer sheets, with aleatory contributions of nutmeg, vanilla and bruised fruit hinting that you left your breakfast and coffee in your pants when you washed them. Also, eye swelling does not go down for days, and post nasal drip full of “watery crisp notes” makes life unlivable.


Crave


Sporty with just a hint of cinnamon. Smells like stale pants. Not as blinding as Eternity, but stinging lasts longer.


Contradiction for Men


As woodsy as you can get outside of being fitted in a pine box, with just a hint of citrus, Contradiction for Men is really not so complicated a scent, being both warm and snuggly, without the disturbing bipolar qualities of CK-1. Light, refreshing and awakening, Contradiction for Men is almost tolerable, dose after dose: indeed, after awhile, only a light peripheral haze remains at all.

If I had to choose one perfume to be sprayed in my eyes for daytime and evening, this would be it.



fear is my perfume

NUMBER 58, WEEK 45; WORD COUNT TO DATE: 50,206
NEXT BY 3 MAY 2006

3 comments:

grigorss said...

I'm a 'Grey Flannel' man myself -- woodsy, like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick ...

Pooky Crab said...

Very nice. I laughed aloud several times.

Though you spelled "a long way" wrong. You wrote along way instead. Are you sure you want me to point out the typos?

Jordan said...

And now there's CK ONE SHOCK, which causes searing images of The Crying Game when it comes in contact with the eyes.