15. The Devil

Gifted as I am with unusual powers of concentration and productivity, I had rested no longer than three days before I immediately returned to to the article. I had gotten no further than searching the thesaurus for synonyms for “syzygy” when the phone rang. On the other end was a most curious and corporate voice, small, squeaky and raspy as though composed out of a myriad of tiny tongues. It asked:

H e LLO (h e l l o) w e h a v e g o o d n e w s w o u l d y o u l i k e t o l o w e r ( l o w e r) y o u r m o r t g a g e p a y m e n t f o r e v e r (E V E R)?

As I happily owned my good estate ever since the Old Man with that annoying eye of his never returned from the country, this message did not apply to me, and yet my polite interpolation went as though unheard:

w e a r e a u t ho r i z e d t o o f f e r y o u t he o p p or t u n i t y t o r e f i n a n c e y o u r h o m e b e f o r e i n t e re s t s r a t e s r i s e (R I S E) d o n t m i s s o u t o n t h is g o l d e n (G O L D E N) o p p or t u n i t y j us t l i s ten:

o n a m o o n l e s s n i g h t , t hr e e d a y s he n c e, r u b y o u r s elf a l l o v e r w i t h t h i s s al v e t h a t w e s h al l pr o v i d e a n d m o u n t a s t i c k or b r o o m (no lo n g e r t ha n t six f e et or t w o me t e r s) a n d yo u s ha l l b e t r a n s p o r t e d to the s a b b a t w h e r e y o u w i ll d a n c e d a n c e d a n c e a n d n e v e r h a v e t o p a y h i g h i n t e r e s t r a t e s f o r a s l o n g a s y o u o w n y o u r h o m e

-y o u w i l l a l s o f e a s t o n b a b i e s a n d b e m o u n t e d b y t h e g r e a t g o a t

interjected another, even squeakier voice, enthusiastically. I had heard such offers before. I moved to hang up the phone.

w a i t

the first voice returned

w o u l d y o u b e i n t e r e s t e d i n t a k i n g a s h o r t s u r v e y t h at w i l l q u a l i f y yo u t o w i n a f r e e c r u i s e f o r L a m m a s, L a m m a s i n t h e B a ha m a s o r w a i t w a i t

I did not have time for this, so I completed the motion and hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again:

H e LLO (h e l l o) W e a r e l o o k in g f or y o u r s u p p o r t f o t y o u r lo c a l s t a t e t r o op e r s e a c h y e a r n u m e r o us s t a t e t r o op e r s d i e in t h e l i n e o f d u t y o r i n a c t s o f s in


Again, this was no concern of mine, but I had no sooner foreclosed on that conversation when the phone rang once more, this time

t o no t i f y y o u t h at t h e re i s a re g i s t e re d s e x o f f e n d e r m o v i n g i n t o yo u r n e i g h b or h o o d a s e x o f f e n d e r re i s a re g i s t e re d w i t h t he s t at e an d w e a r e i n f o r m i n g you a n d t h e y a re m o v i n g i n t o yo u r n e i g h b or h o o d and w o u l d y o u l i k e t o m e e t t h e m?

I was now convinced that it was time to unplug the phones, which I promptly did. To my very small surprise, it rang anyway:

h e l l o y o u h a v e w o n a f r e e s u b s c r i p t i o n to t i me

This I actually was interested in, as Time was the oldest of the periodicals, leader of the Titans, castrator of his father Uranus, the sky god, and brother to Life. So I habilled myself as the voices suggested and hiked out to the woods.

When I returned with my complimentary free gift “Time Laughs at Life” I discovered my desk in some disarray, littered with several half finished beers and hand rolled butts, and spotted all over with the mottlings of little foot prints. Someone had also taken the liberty of making a sandwich. Several of the typewriter keys were jammed and it appeared that the ribbon had been ripped and then tied back together. In the roller, badly wrinkled and marked over, and clearly misaligned each of the several times it had been taken out and reinserted into the machine, was the second part of the article. Numerous misspellings and typographic innovations aside, it was clearly of a whole different water than the first. It was worse. It was full of pained constructions and sentiments so equivocal and balanced as to be wholly vacuous. It had unmistakably been written by committee.