The Chinese Labyrinth: Greetings from ARAKCON 2005

The Palace of Unquiet Dreams Hotel, Shanghai

Dear Enchanted Listener,

As some of you know I am one of the few surviving practitioners of Arak-Muong, the oldest, most obscure and most powerful martial art: it is said that the original artists of Arak-Muong did not have arms, but fought among the stars; what we call Arak-Muong is believed by some to be their elementary warm up exercises: they are deadly all the same. The earthly practitioners of Arak-Muong are divided into two camps: the abominable Arak-Amok, who wish to use its power to destroy all living things, and the noble Arak-Arak, who wish to unite all enlightened souls to destroy all humanity. I, of course, am an initiate of the latter.

The Heavenly Middle Kingdom is to be the site of our first convention in over a hundred years: Arak-Con 2005. This is an especially exciting year, as the invitation comes from no other than my evil illegitimate twin brother Gogo, who I have not seen since that cable car debacle in Zurich; we had had harsh words, since he had seduced and poisoned some of my favorite wives. Nonetheless, his most recent correspondence indicates that he has entirely reformed and abandoned the proscribed path of Arak-Amok and embraced a life of charity, celibacy and quit smoking. He has, in the kindest of words, asked to meet with me privately before this most very important occasion so he can most abjectly apologize for his previous behavior: apparently he’s been going to therapy or some sort of recovery program and this is an important step. He also asks that I bring our father’s greatest treasure, the Arakamokacon, so that he might compare it with some recently recovered torn pages he believes belong to the book; if so, he generously assures me that the pages will be his gift to me, to reside where they belong, within that most powerful tome of names that should not be written, handsomely bound in our father’s skin.

Despite some serious reservations from my advisors, remaining wives and talking cat I am determined to take my evil twin half brother’s words at face value. After all, I am the smarter and stronger one. While I will be away enjoying the magnificent demonstrations, fatal exhibition matches, lectures, seminars, dancing girls and continual slow torture that are the hallmarks of these conventions, my mother will be enjoying a quiet Viking river cruise. Hopefully, I will be able to get away from all the hubbub in time to meet her at the Cave of a Thousand Shrieking Sorrows, where I understand they have a nice buffet and a good deal on guano.

Hopefully I’ll be able to share some impressions from the Middle Kingdom, but you know, the postal system hasn’t been the same since the Emperor. In the meantime, as always, I leave you with my most modest offerings to fill the gap in our whisperings and thank you graciously for your visit.

your most humble,

Van Choojitarom